getting use to mortality, death, temporary, impermanence etc

Dear "getting use to mortality, death, temporary, impermanence etc.",
My blog shows me what key words were used in a web search that caused someone to land on my blog. I don’t know who you are, if you are male or female, young or old, blue or green. I don’t even know if you will check back But your search terms stopped me short. You are looking for something important and I knew my recent postings would be of little use to you. I am hoping you return because, you see, I do know a little about what you are looking for. Four years ago, almost to the month, I wrapped my arms around my son, Joel, said goodbye, and sent him off to basic training for the Army Reserves. Three weeks later, they brought home his ashes in a small brass box with his name engraved on it. He was my only child and I his only parent. He was the most precious thing. I never really wanted children- they are noisy and demanding and, without exception, the most serious commitment and responsibility anyone will ever take on. And I am not one for responsibility and commitments. But the moment they laid him on my belly, after a long and very painful delivery, he immediately became the most important, amazing, spectacular thing I had ever done. And every day thereafter, for the next 18 years, I would look at him with boundless awe and my heart would contract with a mixture of pain and pleasure that only love knows. For 18 years we shared an amazing journey together. And then he was gone. Just like that. I have known death before- my father died when I was in my early 20s, my ex-husband died within a few years of Joel’s birth, and I lost a stepfather as well. This was different. This kid was magnificent- tall, healthy, quirky, smart as hell, loved by most everyone, certainly a better person than either of his parents ever were. And then he was gone. Just like that. Who could have predicted that a tiny weakness in one of his heart’s arteries would have taken him down? It was stunning, life changing. Joel’s death catapulted me on a journey that is unlikely to end for me- to understand how something that magnificent can just be gone, just like that; how the earth was allowed to continue spinning and the universe refrained from imploding when he was ripped from it. My spiritual leanings throughout my adult life, since my recovery from alcoholism when I was just 22 years old, have been to combine the best of Christian and Buddhist philosophies, ignore the dogma, and leave the rest for the theologians to figure out. I understand impermanence now, fully, and its acceptance is liberating. And, now, having lost Joel and after spending almost 3 years in Africa trying to save my own soul, I have come to understand death. However, there are many answers I am still looking for- the “why?” of it all and the “what comes after?” Even if I had the answers, they would be meaningless for you until life serves them up in language that is best understood by you alone. But I can assure you that your search, "getting use to mortality, death, temporary, impermanence etc.", will be the most important thing you ever do in the end. It will take you places you never dreamed of going and connect you with people who will change your life forever. Your journey will not be easy because the questions you are asking are the most difficult of all but, even if you never get the answers, your life will be fuller for the asking.
Best regards,
Alyson Peel